wish you were here there it is right in front of me a and b i wont do anything but analyze it anyway and still come up empty handed momentary lapse of reason i can't keep my hands out of my hair scratched some things off my to-do list i wonder if he'd give me his power balance band not the right color anyway i thought you said that you said you thought i said that you thought you said that fuck it i'm getting a beer they both smoke I TAKE DEEP BREATHS TOO ponytails usually look stupid on men but not him he didn't go to harvard who can i bring with me out of kindness i suppose hey let it go he doesn't like to fish no big deal so she's scared of pickles what was i thinking about two weeks ago this is all new excuses covers distractions for WHAT 10 months left motherfucker you've had me beleiving for 14 months that what you said JUST MIGHT BE TRUE where the hell is luke i've had so many chances and obviously i don't know how to do it completely incapable and it's not like it can be taught
baby i'm on fire
i wish i would've brought my chapstick i want a steak date and i dont want to talk about football he sounds just like fje when he talks my back is soft now they're all drunk and mostly just nodding where your life is meant to be good "did not know the girl. kept her long enough to rape her. can we talk tonight?" if you can't be good at least be arbitrary a and b are gone a might get arrested he skips over a lot of the questions they're all working too busy for me "i am forgiven. my sins are under the blood. whom the son sets free is free indeed!"
closing the door that probably never should've been opened.
how much louder or plainer can i say it it's not about YOU i just wanted to sit on the roof by myself with 5 beers 2 of them light and smoke my cigarettes i don't give a rat's ass what YOU think you simple cornfed motherfucker don't hurt yourself.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
too long between blogs
worried sick monster in the floorboard if you took to me like a gull takes to the wind in way too deep just wanna drive king of the eyesores 17 hours and they all cut their thumbs i like clapping all the way to the trail and still dont know anything OBSESS tell the boys or dont the high school quarterback is doing the noon walk of shame after this weekends big win weekend dads driving their kids around meet me at the trail dummy instead of coffee thats probably the greatest idea ive had in a long time.
sounds like elmo is in the backyard at eli's but i can't see just finished cleaning her kitchen got to wear the purple rubber gloves (!) nobody is saying anything even though its been culled down to so few surely its obvious though not to me its been 14 months out of 24 its gotta happen within 10 months to make me believe in anything i asked him to pray for me at church this morning he didnt get the text until later shes had 37 years to talk to me and now she decides its time the lady has an elmo voice changer maybe its just a little girl calling the dogs shes probably the best friend ive ever had and i dont even think she likes me half the time thermal plaid flannel jeans boots who you callin a tomboy i think i'll wear it again today i hate change i hated it when brain keane left the band 4 yrs ago i hate that NONE of my grandparents are still alive on any of the three sides i hate that our family doesnt get together at holidays and birthdays anymore i hate that we dont eat at the table or have rules or chores or traditions we didnt even carve a pumpkin i hate my genes and the way my ass looked in those jeans yesterday three red balloons was worth it i guess
TO DO: paint sign for jane bring shirt catalog find packaging/envelope ideas hobby lobby michaels hobby lobby coast guard??? mani/pedi SOC 15 days - isnt that a song? maybe 16 days austin collins 22 hours 11 months
ugh it only lasted 11 months and it was 4 years 5 years? ago right now early november the funerals they even gave ME a rose to place on the casket she put cheese on glazed donuts and called it cheese toast she paid for their college he made me memorize the books of the bible and rewarded me with a purple stuffed elephant he built a life size cradle with his own two hands for a child he asked me to kill all the dogs are barking sometimes when the dogs are barking i think the baby is crying the hellwegs are way cooler than the shifletts if i still had that camper...
sounds like elmo is in the backyard at eli's but i can't see just finished cleaning her kitchen got to wear the purple rubber gloves (!) nobody is saying anything even though its been culled down to so few surely its obvious though not to me its been 14 months out of 24 its gotta happen within 10 months to make me believe in anything i asked him to pray for me at church this morning he didnt get the text until later shes had 37 years to talk to me and now she decides its time the lady has an elmo voice changer maybe its just a little girl calling the dogs shes probably the best friend ive ever had and i dont even think she likes me half the time thermal plaid flannel jeans boots who you callin a tomboy i think i'll wear it again today i hate change i hated it when brain keane left the band 4 yrs ago i hate that NONE of my grandparents are still alive on any of the three sides i hate that our family doesnt get together at holidays and birthdays anymore i hate that we dont eat at the table or have rules or chores or traditions we didnt even carve a pumpkin i hate my genes and the way my ass looked in those jeans yesterday three red balloons was worth it i guess
ugh it only lasted 11 months and it was 4 years 5 years? ago right now early november the funerals they even gave ME a rose to place on the casket she put cheese on glazed donuts and called it cheese toast she paid for their college he made me memorize the books of the bible and rewarded me with a purple stuffed elephant he built a life size cradle with his own two hands for a child he asked me to kill all the dogs are barking sometimes when the dogs are barking i think the baby is crying the hellwegs are way cooler than the shifletts if i still had that camper...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
disconnected
they all saw it. everyone that matters. in one fell swoop it was obvious.
i should've gotten a pedicure instead.
my kids are learning cursive, starting to come down with a cold, working on a MAJOR government project and applying to college. and i wait for them to go to bed each night, so i can leave.
bruises everywhere. pretend choke. i looked up from all the change spilled in my floorboard and he was standing there, with the garage door open, staring at me. it was like that dream where you're at school and you get called to go up to the chalkboard, and you realize you aren't wearing pants. it was just like that. same feeling.
he feels disconnected. he also finally put a name on what i've been feeling.
so much work to do, but on the porch, in gym shorts, with goosebumps and a cup of coffee, writing. these toxins need to be let out, though, written down, in the hopes that for the rest of the day i may feel silightly less disconnected.
randy hill, paul thorn and gumbo tonight.
no button down shirt today. first time in a few weeks.
jarrod gets it all. every bit of it. shoulda done it yesterday.
shoulda gotten a pedicure.
i swear the door was closed when i got IN the shower...
open doors, closed doors....how'd they open...
the faucet knobs keep shocking us. max says it feels like his "blood is jumping"
if my racket had strings. the ball would be in his court.
i should've gotten a pedicure instead.
my kids are learning cursive, starting to come down with a cold, working on a MAJOR government project and applying to college. and i wait for them to go to bed each night, so i can leave.
bruises everywhere. pretend choke. i looked up from all the change spilled in my floorboard and he was standing there, with the garage door open, staring at me. it was like that dream where you're at school and you get called to go up to the chalkboard, and you realize you aren't wearing pants. it was just like that. same feeling.
he feels disconnected. he also finally put a name on what i've been feeling.
so much work to do, but on the porch, in gym shorts, with goosebumps and a cup of coffee, writing. these toxins need to be let out, though, written down, in the hopes that for the rest of the day i may feel silightly less disconnected.
randy hill, paul thorn and gumbo tonight.
no button down shirt today. first time in a few weeks.
jarrod gets it all. every bit of it. shoulda done it yesterday.
shoulda gotten a pedicure.
i swear the door was closed when i got IN the shower...
open doors, closed doors....how'd they open...
the faucet knobs keep shocking us. max says it feels like his "blood is jumping"
if my racket had strings. the ball would be in his court.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
it's hump day
just sayin....
passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. it is not about feeling good. it is about endurance. like patience, passion comes from the latin root: pati. it does not mean to flow with exuberance. it means to suffer.
(that was from a book i read over the summer, but can't recall which one now)
my dog always freaks out when i set up the ironing board, or take it down and put it away.
i don't wish bad days on anyone. really. bad days suck. but for some reason, when eli has a bad day, it really gets to me. she doesn't deserve to have a bad day.
"put on your red shoes and dance"
i like money a lot, but bartering rocks.
it was a missed call. it was a wrong number. two total opposites. whirlwind roller coaster. it's ok. dreamy.
passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. it is not about feeling good. it is about endurance. like patience, passion comes from the latin root: pati. it does not mean to flow with exuberance. it means to suffer.
(that was from a book i read over the summer, but can't recall which one now)
my dog always freaks out when i set up the ironing board, or take it down and put it away.
i don't wish bad days on anyone. really. bad days suck. but for some reason, when eli has a bad day, it really gets to me. she doesn't deserve to have a bad day.
"put on your red shoes and dance"
i like money a lot, but bartering rocks.
it was a missed call. it was a wrong number. two total opposites. whirlwind roller coaster. it's ok. dreamy.
i stood in front of a rauschenberg on sunday. and a massive cy twombley piece. there were no photos allowed in the gallery.
i stood in front of joseph cornell pieces. it was almost a religous experience.
what the hell kind of a name is PHYLLIS?
Friday, October 22, 2010
do i love you? my oh my....
oh how i love love love this version of the song
when i need lipstick, i grab a pen. when i need a pen, i grab lipstick.
right when i finished the last page of "Jesus Saves" a breeze started blowing on the coffee shop patio that made the litlle hairs on my arm stand on end. i wanted to stay right there in that forever.
"disregard your fathers words...."
dream? i was sitting on the edge of the bathtub singing a capella REALLY loud and my mother just stood in the doorway to let me know she had heard me. then i put my head in my hands and cried.
max: my favorite color is blue. dark blue, though, not baby blue.
me: well you're MY baby
max: but i'm not blue
me: well thank goodness
kim-kim: you sound excited.
pause
kim-kim: but you always get excited.
me: yeah, i do.
***i've been wondering what the lyrics were in the really fast-talking part of an avett brothers song, slight figure of speech. here they are.
What did you expect
And what did you forget
That to live you let go of me with each step
It becomes a progression I won't let regret manifest
To aggression
Are you to assess what I've been? What I am? Or become?
Did you stop to accept how pathetically dumb
It can be to
Attack those around 'cause you're
True to color, a town, a time, or a place?
It's not you, it's not mine
And besides it is gone
And you never will find it again
But I don't want to fight
I just ask let me be
I won't give the chance to be my enemy
So go home
Think it through
i miss working on a campaign. but there hasn't really been anyone i would feel comfortable campaigning for since kinky.
i heard the words no mother ever wants to hear, but most all do at some point - "i hate you"
i sold the rocking horse.
max never forgets anything.
when i need lipstick, i grab a pen. when i need a pen, i grab lipstick.
right when i finished the last page of "Jesus Saves" a breeze started blowing on the coffee shop patio that made the litlle hairs on my arm stand on end. i wanted to stay right there in that forever.
"disregard your fathers words...."
dream? i was sitting on the edge of the bathtub singing a capella REALLY loud and my mother just stood in the doorway to let me know she had heard me. then i put my head in my hands and cried.
max: my favorite color is blue. dark blue, though, not baby blue.
me: well you're MY baby
max: but i'm not blue
me: well thank goodness
kim-kim: you sound excited.
pause
kim-kim: but you always get excited.
me: yeah, i do.
***i've been wondering what the lyrics were in the really fast-talking part of an avett brothers song, slight figure of speech. here they are.
What did you expect
And what did you forget
That to live you let go of me with each step
It becomes a progression I won't let regret manifest
To aggression
Are you to assess what I've been? What I am? Or become?
Did you stop to accept how pathetically dumb
It can be to
Attack those around 'cause you're
True to color, a town, a time, or a place?
It's not you, it's not mine
And besides it is gone
And you never will find it again
But I don't want to fight
I just ask let me be
I won't give the chance to be my enemy
So go home
Think it through
i miss working on a campaign. but there hasn't really been anyone i would feel comfortable campaigning for since kinky.
i heard the words no mother ever wants to hear, but most all do at some point - "i hate you"
i sold the rocking horse.
max never forgets anything.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
dear prudence,
i really like this flyer i just designed for john...
they finally switched the satellite radio at the coffee shop to 60's on 6. which i can deal with a lot better than the 40's on 4, and especially better than the "sirius watercolors" crap they did play.
"...walking through the streets like a lottery winner on acid..."
i almost took the whole enchilada casserole and dumped it into his bed. and then smeared it all around. but instead i pretended to sleep. and cried.
we're making a book.
i wish this song were true, as it pertains to me
fucking goodwill. fucking halloween.
why don't i ever play with my own dog as much as i do with john's at the bookstore, or jarrod's FIVE dogs?
this song is for everlovin
RANDY!!!! RIGHT HERE!!!
my palms are sweaty - like ALWAYS sweaty. this has been going on for weeks now. what the hell?
they finally switched the satellite radio at the coffee shop to 60's on 6. which i can deal with a lot better than the 40's on 4, and especially better than the "sirius watercolors" crap they did play.
"...walking through the streets like a lottery winner on acid..."
i almost took the whole enchilada casserole and dumped it into his bed. and then smeared it all around. but instead i pretended to sleep. and cried.
we're making a book.
i wish this song were true, as it pertains to me
fucking goodwill. fucking halloween.
why don't i ever play with my own dog as much as i do with john's at the bookstore, or jarrod's FIVE dogs?
this song is for everlovin
RANDY!!!! RIGHT HERE!!!
my palms are sweaty - like ALWAYS sweaty. this has been going on for weeks now. what the hell?
Monday, October 18, 2010
skipped a few days.....
so max was sick last week and it seems i missed a few days of blogging....
let's look through my fat boy notebook anyway and see what you missed:
(on a bar napkin, taped in my notebook): those people that pin money on themselves to let you know it's their b-day, and apparently expect you to pin some on too...that bugs the shit out of me. i've never done it - pin money on myself OR anyone else.
I'm reading a book called "Jesus Saves" that i found in the bookstore where i work.
we don't even know anyone named alex.
paul's back from europe. brough me some foreign cigarettes and a cool lighter. brought max some coins frmo all the different places he went.
"love is kinda creepy with a spooky little boy like you"
a homeless man just stole all the cigarette butts from the ashtray, but left the lighter. that was sweet.
max and i have been singing this all weekend....
(but he says he DOES want to be a cowboy - a DALLAS cowboy...)
let's look through my fat boy notebook anyway and see what you missed:
(on a bar napkin, taped in my notebook): those people that pin money on themselves to let you know it's their b-day, and apparently expect you to pin some on too...that bugs the shit out of me. i've never done it - pin money on myself OR anyone else.
I'm reading a book called "Jesus Saves" that i found in the bookstore where i work.
we don't even know anyone named alex.
paul's back from europe. brough me some foreign cigarettes and a cool lighter. brought max some coins frmo all the different places he went.
"love is kinda creepy with a spooky little boy like you"
a homeless man just stole all the cigarette butts from the ashtray, but left the lighter. that was sweet.
max and i have been singing this all weekend....
(but he says he DOES want to be a cowboy - a DALLAS cowboy...)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
the day i dressed up
today i dressed more girlie, but still with a button-down.
today i feel like my hair looks like the rich high school girls i was always jealous of. but i'm 37.
there is no way you can NOT dance to this song
i was too late for all the handsome boys today. oh well.
paul thorn is coming to courvilles later this month. i'm going to see him.
first paul thorn song i ever heard
i thought about torchy alot today. everything kept reminding me of her.
including this song (the video is only part of the song apparently...)
"you know what blood looks like in a black and white video? SHADOWS!"
LOVE > FEAR
today i feel like my hair looks like the rich high school girls i was always jealous of. but i'm 37.
there is no way you can NOT dance to this song
i was too late for all the handsome boys today. oh well.
paul thorn is coming to courvilles later this month. i'm going to see him.
first paul thorn song i ever heard
i thought about torchy alot today. everything kept reminding me of her.
including this song (the video is only part of the song apparently...)
"you know what blood looks like in a black and white video? SHADOWS!"
LOVE > FEAR
Monday, October 11, 2010
monday monday
***this is a mixture of today and the weekends ramblings:
i waste a lot of gas because i forget where i am going. my car almost always auto-pilots to home, but then i remember i had somewhere else to go...
i have very few posessions, in the grand scheme of things. and even in the not-so-grand scheme.
i love when a man hugs me who has on really nice cologne, and then you can smell it throughout the day. it also helps if he's incredibly handsome, as was the case here.
i effing LOVE this song.
i keep seeing the word benevolence. i like that word though, so i don't mind.
i got to kiss these this morning. it's one of my favorite things in the world to do:
i waste a lot of gas because i forget where i am going. my car almost always auto-pilots to home, but then i remember i had somewhere else to go...
i have very few posessions, in the grand scheme of things. and even in the not-so-grand scheme.
i love when a man hugs me who has on really nice cologne, and then you can smell it throughout the day. it also helps if he's incredibly handsome, as was the case here.
i effing LOVE this song.
i keep seeing the word benevolence. i like that word though, so i don't mind.
i got to kiss these this morning. it's one of my favorite things in the world to do:
Friday, October 8, 2010
so much sunshine
my cheap cigarettes (or turd lights, as my friends call them) make my breath smell bad. not that all cigarettes don't, but mine especially.
one time a guy i knew (in the biblical sense) wrote a not-so-nice song about me. there was a line in it that said "i never liked your smell". when questioned he confirmed that he was indeed talking about the cigarette smell, but not necessarily my breath - my car, my clothes, my hair....
***i will not post a link to the song here because like i said, it's NOT nice. but it's called "i told you not to write again"***
another guy wrote a not-so-true (to me, anyway) song using lines from my facebook status updates...
***i just searched my computer for 20 minutes looking for the link...will post later i guess***
i saw a family at an adoption agency, out in the parking lot hugging and patting each other on the backs and everyone looked so happy - but not an "excited" happy.....
no matter what they were happy about - whether they had just been finally approved to adopt, or had just come to the heartwrenching decision that they would give their baby to another loving and deserving family -
either way, i was happy for them too. all this at a red light on my way to work.
***gotta go to work now - wonder what i'll see on the way there. i'm on day 3 of button-down shirts, jeans and flip flops.
**at work now, here's what i saw and heard on the way...
this is fun to listen to while waiting on a train and train art is cool.
one time a guy i knew (in the biblical sense) wrote a not-so-nice song about me. there was a line in it that said "i never liked your smell". when questioned he confirmed that he was indeed talking about the cigarette smell, but not necessarily my breath - my car, my clothes, my hair....
***i will not post a link to the song here because like i said, it's NOT nice. but it's called "i told you not to write again"***
another guy wrote a not-so-true (to me, anyway) song using lines from my facebook status updates...
***i just searched my computer for 20 minutes looking for the link...will post later i guess***
i saw a family at an adoption agency, out in the parking lot hugging and patting each other on the backs and everyone looked so happy - but not an "excited" happy.....
no matter what they were happy about - whether they had just been finally approved to adopt, or had just come to the heartwrenching decision that they would give their baby to another loving and deserving family -
either way, i was happy for them too. all this at a red light on my way to work.
***gotta go to work now - wonder what i'll see on the way there. i'm on day 3 of button-down shirts, jeans and flip flops.
**at work now, here's what i saw and heard on the way...
this is fun to listen to while waiting on a train and train art is cool.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
today's blog will really be 2
10-5-10
forgot it was moms bday - sent her flowers. (i hate getting flowers)
i lined up every book at the bookstore (my new job i started today) so that they all come to the edge of the shelf. he sells my bookmarks there.
the other day i bartered a tshirt for an art piece. this photo doesnt do it justice - but i love it with all my heart
drinking a milwaukees best light at the art studio after work, and was reminded of this song:
adam carroll - ol' milwaukees best
greg was not serial-killed or stricken with a heart attack today. thank GOD.
10-6-10
sometimes i read things, and then they happen - \
*deadbeat dad
*borrowed electricity
(i like having headphones on, with music. can't hear nothin else)
***florence + the machine the dog days are over***
HOLY SHIT - wanna be blown away?
thank me later
worst mani/pedi ever today.
stephan and brooke gave me permission to wear a solid button-down and jeans every day for the rest of my life. sounds heavenly.
it's just me. my lone star and the mosquitoes.
i like "taking care" of the books. (not books, like accounting or finances, though i am actually very good at that) here i am referring to my new job at the bookstore.
brooke is not my sister.
somebody's grilling.
we ordered pizza. not even thin crust.
today's blog will really be two - yesterday and today - since it's already dusk. the dog days are over.
forgot it was moms bday - sent her flowers. (i hate getting flowers)
i lined up every book at the bookstore (my new job i started today) so that they all come to the edge of the shelf. he sells my bookmarks there. 
adam carroll - ol' milwaukees best
greg was not serial-killed or stricken with a heart attack today. thank GOD.
10-6-10
sometimes i read things, and then they happen - \
*deadbeat dad
*borrowed electricity
(i like having headphones on, with music. can't hear nothin else)
***florence + the machine the dog days are over***
HOLY SHIT - wanna be blown away?
thank me later
worst mani/pedi ever today.
stephan and brooke gave me permission to wear a solid button-down and jeans every day for the rest of my life. sounds heavenly.
it's just me. my lone star and the mosquitoes.
i like "taking care" of the books. (not books, like accounting or finances, though i am actually very good at that) here i am referring to my new job at the bookstore.
brooke is not my sister.
somebody's grilling.
we ordered pizza. not even thin crust.
today's blog will really be two - yesterday and today - since it's already dusk. the dog days are over.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
losing my blog virginity
first of all, i don't use capital letters.
second, i've never blogged before but people keep telling me i should, so hi there.
i keep a journal-ish thing in a fat boy spiral notebook...
...or anything i can find to write on when something pops in my head.
here is how this will go - each day (i'm being very optimistic) i will post a new blog with my "writings" of the day before. they are in no way, shape or form anything CLOSE to be being complete thoughts most of the time. but you'll get used to it i guess. besides, this is more for ME than for you.
(i use capitals only when i want to emphasize a word or phrase)
So here goes, blog #1
men at work - i can't get to sleep...i think about the implications...
ran away tonight
i am in the driveway in my car
the primitives "crash" is on
you can listen to it here
the shadows from my hand make it kinda hard to write
i'm lazy
i SHOULD write a blog
i can totally work on it at my new job i start tomorrow at the book bazaar
*end*
that reminds me, i've gotta get to work.
second, i've never blogged before but people keep telling me i should, so hi there.
i keep a journal-ish thing in a fat boy spiral notebook...
here is how this will go - each day (i'm being very optimistic) i will post a new blog with my "writings" of the day before. they are in no way, shape or form anything CLOSE to be being complete thoughts most of the time. but you'll get used to it i guess. besides, this is more for ME than for you.
(i use capitals only when i want to emphasize a word or phrase)
So here goes, blog #1
men at work - i can't get to sleep...i think about the implications...
ran away tonight
i am in the driveway in my car
the primitives "crash" is on
you can listen to it here
the shadows from my hand make it kinda hard to write
i'm lazy
i SHOULD write a blog
i can totally work on it at my new job i start tomorrow at the book bazaar
*end*
that reminds me, i've gotta get to work.
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